So I’ve been on a few Tinder dates….

The first two were with a baseball coach who we will appropriately nickname “Coach”
Coach is a Newporter. Born and bred. Dislikes other people from other towns on the Island. Chip on his shoulder. Went to Rogers.

Coach refuses to go to O’Bs (ok- valid) because it is a “highschool reunion” every time he goes there.

Coach decided (24 hours into texting me) he was going to start being extremely sexual, and also decided that he wasn’t going to “touch me until I said it was ok.” Coach also told me his mind was a “steel trap” for all of the BOGO deals in Newport. Since I was brought up in a slightly WASPy household, all of the sexual texting kind of overwhelmed me, and made me decidedly uneasy while hanging out with him, because he wasn’t actually talking about any of the things he texted about. Awwwwkward.

Bye Coach. Don’t make ME feel weird because you push your awkwardness onto other people. Coach also had really small hands relative to his body. Onto the next.

The next one was with a man who posted pictures of himself when he was in college, and was actually 30 pounds heavier in real life (which isn’t in and of itself a turn-off), but his actions were.
Please don’t meet me for lunch and spit your food anywhere near me. Bye college wannabe. You were much cuter back then. Sorry.

I was also texted by a golf-pro wannabe who goes running all the time on Bellevue. Guess who I happened to run into when I was out running (ok fine- mostly walking- let’s be real)? He took one look at me, and ran the other way. We made eye contact. He knew who I was. I never heard from him again. Sorry I look like I’m dying/slightly asthmatic every time I run more than .25 miles?! At least I’m out there trying!

And here’s where the Antisocialite advice starts to kick in. By this time, you’ve been on some Tinder dates. You’ve gotten out there. Newport is a SMALL TOWN. Do yourself a favor, and research before-hand which bars these Tinder dates haunt all the time, and then AVOID THEM AT ALL COSTS when you’re on a Tinder date with someone else. Some examples can include:
“So… where do you go on the weekends?” #flirtykissface  “Which bars do you like to go to?”
(really I’m compiling all of this information in a dossier for use later when I decide I don’t like you).

….Or you can just pray to the karma gods when on said Tinder date with someone else that you don’t run into someone you know (or a prior Tinder date that you don’t want to see).

By some twist of fate/good luck, I’ve yet to run into anyone I know whilst on a Tinder date, and I have not run into college-wannabe OR coach OR golf-pro wannabe runner. Thank you, karma gods.

Now get out there and good luck. Remember: dossier that info. It will come in use later.